I recently got my official ADHD diagnosis at 36 after years (decades) of wondering what was wrong with me. In hindsight, all the clues were there: I struggled outside of structured environments, I switched jobs and careers many times and I’ve always felt a sense of aimlessness that I could never explain until now.
The first step in any diagnosis is getting all the facts, and for ADHD it’s no different. With ADHD this is done by talking a lot about yourself and what you were like as a kid.
My Childhood
Going through it, it felt like a perfectly normal experience. I went to school, made a few friends, daydreamed A LOT, could never seem to find my pens or pencils, and always struggled to keep my room clean. I know now that it was the structure of the school that kept me in line, being appropriately afraid of failing out of middle school and being destined to be a failure after that one D grade. High School was mostly the same, I was laser-focused on my classes and not much else.
Those structures left when I got to university. I think for any 18-year-old to go off into the world alone and have to learn how to juggle making food, course work, and social commitments it’s a lot. I felt completely overwhelmed by it all. So, inevitably I failed, I got a below-passing grade in 3 out of my 5 classes in the first semester. I lived on campus, so the distinction between hometime and class time became so blurred. The amount of knowledge that you were expected to take in was too overwhelming. So, I adapted as best as I could.
I went down to 3 or 4 classes per semester. I switched majors a few times, settling on Mathematics, and I took random classes on topics ranging from beekeeping to the history of music to keep me entertained. I always felt like I was just scraping by, just going through the motions of school. I ended up switching degrees from a Bachelor of Science to a Bachelor of Art just so I could leave.
Trying to become an Adult
I had no plans after University, nothing lined up in the “real world”, so I procrastinated. It was too overwhelming to try and find a job using my Math degree. How do skills learned in school remotely prepare me for work, how does knowing how to use calculus mean I can analyze data? So I went back to somewhere I felt safe, college this time because I wanted to be prepared for an actual job this time. I lasted 1 full semester, quitting mid-way through the 2nd semester when I lost interest in Civil Engineering Technology. So I procrastinated again.
After a summer of self-searching, I finally settled on baking, I always loved doing it at home, it soothed me whenever I was stressed. I went back to school for it (3rd time if you’re counting). It was a lot of fun, it had interesting smells and always being able to work with my hands helped my focus. I loved the classes, and it was all structured in a way that fit my learning, with no real homework, and everything practical. I felt like I had finally found my calling.
It took me over a year to find a baking job that fit well for me. Where I was properly stimulated with the tasks, but not too overwhelmed with work that I went into crisis mode. I was happy there for many years, I switched jobs a few times and worked for a few different cafes and bakeries but always in the same trade. It was nice, I felt like I was beginning to feel like I was settled. That feeling didn’t last long though. I soon became bored with work, it wasn’t feeding that dopamine rush anymore of learning something new or honing a skill. I wanted a change, a new challenge for myself.
This most recent change, at 34, found me in school again (4th time) at a technical college. Learning a very specific job in Front End Web Development. Again, it was great, learning new skills and most importantly, having the structure in place to reward learning. After I got my certificate, I landed a fairly nice freelance position for a new start-up company. It was part-time work and I got to work from home. I got to set my own hours, and I could continue learning and applying to other jobs while I earned some cash. But as weeks turned to months, the reality that switching careers is never easy finally hit home. I was fully burnt out and questioning all my life decisions.
It was around this time that I finally talked to my therapist about ADHD, I’d seen some stuff on social media about the neurodivergent community and I felt like it hit home.
Getting Diagnosed
As a first step, my therapist and I did the World Health Organization’s Adult ADHD Self-Report Scale. It’s a very basic self-assessment that goes through the main symptoms of ADHD and how often you experience them. In discussing my next steps I found out how much an actual ADHD diagnosis can cost, upwards of $1300 in some cases for a quick diagnosis. There are many other services online that range in costs and ongoing pricing for appointments but ultimately my GP recommended going through OHIP and opting for the longer wait times (about half a year to a year wait) through a licensed Psychiatrist.
It still costs some money, but a fraction of what it would cost privately. The psychiatrist needed 2 sessions to make the diagnosis, with a slew of forms and questionnaires to fill out in-between visits. These are similar to the Self-Report Scale from the WHO, but much more in-depth. The forms took about half a day to complete, my long-time friend who completed the accompanying forms about me, also took the same length.
The other side of Diagnosis
It’s now been 1 month since I got my diagnosis, and I’m starting to see the world from a new side. I decided to start with the medication, and it has been an eye-opener, even when the medications haven’t fully been “dialled in” to what works best for me. That will be another long process of trying to see what works best in my specific circumstance.
I’m learning that an ADHD diagnosis won’t suddenly make everything better or fix all your problems, but I think the most important thing that happens is that you gain more self-awareness. You’ll see how your brain works and how to develop tools to best navigate the world around you.